Saturday, October 31, 2009
Last blogged @ 3:19 AM

Goodnight, baby :)

went for my appointment at NUH, for my spine.
thought it would just be another appointment like 2005-2008,
doctor and mum discussing about my spine,
saying that its okay.. maybe doing the ops when im 21.
but that was only what i EXPECTED.

as the doctor measured the curves shown in the X-RAY.
both curves worsen from 38 and 41 degree to 48 and 47 degree.
this is the first time i've seen my spine worsen till this extreme.
it was like.. i thought my eyes were playing a fool with me.
but.. yes, it is true. it has worsen.
and as a matter of fact, i have to go for the major operation on the 21 dec.
the doctor said that it would be a 5 hours operation, with at least 6 days stay in the hospital.
i cried.
but right at that moment, i didnt cry because im afraid of the operation.
the doctor told me, "Don't cry, you wont feel any pain during the operation. You will be unconscious. Don't be afraid.."
and i told him as i was still crying, "No... It's not about whether it's pain or it's not... I'm scared of ghosts."
he was like, "... Er, well. I guess NUH don't have any ghost because it's not that old enough to have any ghost. So far, I've never heard of any stories of it."
and i continued crying, saying, "I always watch those horror movies, and most of the ghosts are in the hospital. What if there's someone standing infront of my bed in the middle of the night? I'm scared!!! I don't want to stay in a hospital!!!"
He laughed at me, and told me that alot of his patients cried when they know they are going for a major operation,
but this is the first time somebody actually cried not because of the fear of operation, but because of ghost.

Sighs, and now. I'm beginning to be afraid.
5 hours of operation?! what if..
just what if, they accidentally break my spine?
Or what if, they accidentally screw my organs instead of my spine?
So many "what if" are in my mind.

I should be staying in the hospital for 9 days.
And, i am seriously very very afraid of being all by myself at night during these 9 days.
If i choose to stay in the A ward,
I'm sure Baby will stay by my side to take care of me,
and take away all my fears.
But if i choose to stay in the B1 ward,
i would have to be alone or with another person in the same room,
without Baby to be there for me when its not visiting hour.
Or, or.. what if.. there's nobody in the bed next to my bed,
and suddenly in the middle of the night,
there's someone there?!
OMFG. im so so so scared. :'(
but at the same time, i put myself into Baby's shoe,
and i dont want Baby to suffer with me, and feel awkward when she sees mum,
because Baby will be there 24/7, and definitely, she'll see mum.
I dont want her to feel unhappy although she want to be there to stay by my side.
:( I dont know what to do...

Sighs, and all thanks to this fucking spine of mine,
i have to miss christmas this year! >:(
i hate this so much :(