Saturday, October 31, 2009
Last blogged @ 3:19 AM

Goodnight, baby :)

went for my appointment at NUH, for my spine.
thought it would just be another appointment like 2005-2008,
doctor and mum discussing about my spine,
saying that its okay.. maybe doing the ops when im 21.
but that was only what i EXPECTED.

as the doctor measured the curves shown in the X-RAY.
both curves worsen from 38 and 41 degree to 48 and 47 degree.
this is the first time i've seen my spine worsen till this extreme.
it was like.. i thought my eyes were playing a fool with me.
but.. yes, it is true. it has worsen.
and as a matter of fact, i have to go for the major operation on the 21 dec.
the doctor said that it would be a 5 hours operation, with at least 6 days stay in the hospital.
i cried.
but right at that moment, i didnt cry because im afraid of the operation.
the doctor told me, "Don't cry, you wont feel any pain during the operation. You will be unconscious. Don't be afraid.."
and i told him as i was still crying, "No... It's not about whether it's pain or it's not... I'm scared of ghosts."
he was like, "... Er, well. I guess NUH don't have any ghost because it's not that old enough to have any ghost. So far, I've never heard of any stories of it."
and i continued crying, saying, "I always watch those horror movies, and most of the ghosts are in the hospital. What if there's someone standing infront of my bed in the middle of the night? I'm scared!!! I don't want to stay in a hospital!!!"
He laughed at me, and told me that alot of his patients cried when they know they are going for a major operation,
but this is the first time somebody actually cried not because of the fear of operation, but because of ghost.

Sighs, and now. I'm beginning to be afraid.
5 hours of operation?! what if..
just what if, they accidentally break my spine?
Or what if, they accidentally screw my organs instead of my spine?
So many "what if" are in my mind.

I should be staying in the hospital for 9 days.
And, i am seriously very very afraid of being all by myself at night during these 9 days.
If i choose to stay in the A ward,
I'm sure Baby will stay by my side to take care of me,
and take away all my fears.
But if i choose to stay in the B1 ward,
i would have to be alone or with another person in the same room,
without Baby to be there for me when its not visiting hour.
Or, or.. what if.. there's nobody in the bed next to my bed,
and suddenly in the middle of the night,
there's someone there?!
OMFG. im so so so scared. :'(
but at the same time, i put myself into Baby's shoe,
and i dont want Baby to suffer with me, and feel awkward when she sees mum,
because Baby will be there 24/7, and definitely, she'll see mum.
I dont want her to feel unhappy although she want to be there to stay by my side.
:( I dont know what to do...

Sighs, and all thanks to this fucking spine of mine,
i have to miss christmas this year! >:(
i hate this so much :(

Friday, October 30, 2009
Last blogged @ 12:02 AM

the best boyfriend on earth... (:

Labels: dont leave me please.

Monday, October 19, 2009
Last blogged @ 4:31 AM

One lesson I've learnt.

How can you gain back your boyfriend's trust after you lied/kept secrets from him?

You need to come clean with him once and for all.
i know it sounds like a big step, but it has to be done.
If you wait too long to do it, you lose him forever.
Sit down and have a heart to heart talk.
If you really care for him, he has to know everything...
the good and the bad.
You owe that to him and to yourself.
Don't be scared.
Be honest.

Saturday, October 17, 2009
Last blogged @ 12:10 AM

I'll Learn...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Last blogged @ 12:07 AM

SHIT people wear SHIT masks, work together, hand in hand (:
you &&& you ((((:

Monday, October 12, 2009
Last blogged @ 5:43 AM

nobody is here.
nobody is here to calm me down.
nobody is here to assure me that things will be fine.
nobody is here to give me strength.
nobody is here to listen to me.
nobody is here to make me feel safe.
nobody is here to make me feel, that i'll be alright...
nobody.

Last blogged @ 4:57 AM

lonely night.

i need you now, very much. right at this moment, when i feel so weak.
im stuck all alone in this quiet room of mine.
i need your warm hug, cuddling me,
without a word need you speak,
i could already hear your heart telling me,
"im with you baby, nothing's gonna be wrong."

Last blogged @ 4:53 AM

my heart feels.. empty.

this is the point,
when i came to realise,
i've become so weak..
that im falling apart.
and many thing have made me feel..
that they can pull me down,
right away.